Some enlightening gossip

This month Thai gossip magazine Who has an exclusive titbit - Andrew Biggs is soon to ordain as a Buddhist monk for the rest of his life. There are two pictures accompanying the story, including one of Andrew clasping his hands together, praying before a Buddha image.

"I am still too dependent on worldly temptations such as two-for-one Long Island Iced Teas at The Londoner"

He looks very spiritual, almost ethereal. He certainly looks as though he is ready for a life of intense spiritual enlightenment.

Sigh. If only it were true.

You see, I'm Andrew Biggs - the one in the story - and while I would love to be a monk, I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. More to the point - where on earth did they get the information from?

It is a weird feeling to be the subject of a gossip item in a magazine.

The first millisecond of being told you have been written about evokes an intense feeling of: "Oh no! Don't tell me they've found out about (insert embarrassing past incident that would be a sure scandal if it ever came out)." Adrenaline assaults the body and you have shortness of breath. You start fishing for your credit card and the Qantas hotline number, wondering if at this age your parents will still take you in for a while.

You scramble for the name card of that softly-spoken plastic surgeon you met at the Austcham gig who whispered, almost cryptically: "Give me a call if you ever need me." At the time I was mortally offended - did I catch him glancing at my protruding ears or the flab jiggling around my waist? Suddenly I'm no longer offended - I'm now wondering if he can do complete facial reconstruction without the luxury of a car crash.

That's stage one. However, upon getting a copy of the newspaper or magazine in question, you then sheepishly read the story and intense relief washes over you as you realise it's not about aforesaid potential PR disaster lurking in your closet. You want to stand up and dance, or kiss somebody you would otherwise consider repellent. Finally you enter the bewilderment phase as you read the story and ask: "I'm doing what?"

That's how I felt last week when I was told I was in the gossip rags again, preparing myself for a life of celibacy, monotone chants and cheap flip-flops that never colour-co-ordinate with saffron robes.

This is not the first time I've been the topic of gossip. In an attempt to discredit a cable TV channel 10 years ago, all on-air announcers were suddenly the subject of wild rumours.

One of us had dodged the draft; another had fathered a love child in Nong Khai. For me, I had fled to Thailand to escape a jail sentence in Australia. For doing what? That's what I wanted to know and indeed I asked the very first journalist who called me about it.

A few years later I was on a regular morning TV programme where my co-host committed a slight indiscretion which saw him arrested. The incident was hushed up, and life went back to normal for everybody except for one innocent party - me. To this day rumours abound in the Thai showbiz world that I was the one who was arrested, not the co-host, which is extremely unfair since my busy schedule hardly permits me a chance to commit slight indiscretions, let alone getting caught by the cops.

Five years ago a popular online website reported I had "shut my mouth" and was "refusing to talk" over a scandal. That's what they called it - a scandal. Wanna know what happened? On a TV news programme I said Thailand might be able to host the Olympic Games "in her next lifetime", but not before that. That evoked one irate member of the National Anti-Andrew Fan Club (NAAFC) to post a response on a website saying I was indebted to Thailand and if I didn't like it, I could ruddy well pack my bags and go back to Australia.

When a journalist called asking for a comment, I said: "Anybody has the right to agree or disagree with me. That's all I want to say."

That's all I want to say. I know that as an Australian it is difficult for me to proclaim myself a member of the intelligentsia, but come on ... even an Aussie can see that "That's all I want to say" is hardly me "shutting my mouth" and "refusing to talk".

I know that all this is my karma coming back to me. As a former journalist I have subscribed to the old adage "never let the facts get in the way of a good story". There have been occasions where I ... perhaps ... took a little licence and filled in the blanks in a story. But that was ages ago! Haven't I paid the karmic price for my shameless yellow journalism many times over?

This last week I've received countless emails and twitters from really lovely Thai people complimenting me on my decision to become a monk. Some are asking which temple I am at. What street do I go out collecting alms each morning? One woman wants to know what lottery numbers will come up next.

You see? One journalist's fantasy about my becoming a monk becomes bitter disappointment and perhaps even resentment in the eyes of well-meaning Thais, who would love to see me in monks' robes. When I don't ordain anytime soon, they're going to start thinking "Oh that evil Andrew Biggs ... spinning lies in public ... again".

The irony of this entire incident is that actually ... I have been thinking of becoming a monk. It's to study meditation, but for my entire life? I am still too dependent on worldly temptations such as two-for-one Long Island Iced Teas at The Londoner. If I become a monk, it's saffron-city for a long, long time, and I've never looked good in yellow.

See? I'm not in the right frame of mind to ordain. But I really am thankful that Thais still hold enough of an interest in me to make me the subject of gossip columns now and again.

And you, dear reader? You should be thankful I managed to get through an entire column about being a monk without a single, solitary, reference to my shaved head.